Blogging A Punt
SO I got off work very late, and very hungry. On the drive home, I remembered I had an excellent Brie-like cheese and a box of Triscuits waiting for me at home. Ah …
But what to complete the delicious snack? A bottle of red wine, of course!
I stopped at Giant Eagle, and on the way into the store, I remembered I’d been meaning to purchase a pumpkin to carve a sweet jack-o-lantern for all the kiddies coming this Thursday.
Alas! All the good pumpkins were gone, and I was left with the dregs. But wait! There, among the deformed and otherwise “special” pumpkins, was a hearty, meaty pumpkin, ripe for the picking.
Happily, I strutted into the store to get my bottle of wine. I grabbed an Australian wine I thought I’d try but LOOK! A good California wine with a coupon! Upon closer examination, the coupon was for … $1 off one pumpkin!
YES! The world is a righteous place.
When I reached the cash register – a triumphant smile on my face – the clerk shook his head.
“It’s after one. I can’t sell you alcohol.”
Lousy Ohio law.
“Can I still have my pumpkin coupon?” I asked, sadly.
“NO!” he screamed, in a petty exercise of CLERK POWER.
My heart shattered into a million pieces.
Anyway, nobody cares. Back to Joe’s story, as so many of you have demanded …
SO, where were we?
Oh yes, Alaska.
Joe moved to Alaska and found himself a nice job … logging the rainforest.
Yes, folks, there IS a rainforest in Alaska (the northernmost rainforest in the world, it just so happens) and yes, you can log it.
Not only can you log this rainforest, but the activity is subsidized by our federal government. A shining example of America’s perfectly crooked priorities.
Every year, this town logs the rainforest, and every year, the town makes less money than it spends doing the actual logging. Rather than helping people find a more sustainable way to make a living, the government simply gives the town enough money to stay afloat. This happens because Republicans are the spawn of Satan. Satan would rather destroy the rainforest than help people, which is why Republicans insist on using our tax money for gas subsidies instead of education; Republicans, like the dregs of the pumpkin barrel, are twisted, rotten, slimy, dented in the most important places, and sag dangerously to the right.
Ok, I made up that last line myself. But the rainforest thing really is true.
Anyway, sorry for that rambling, preachy bit. Keep in mind, the story was told to me by a conservation biologist.
Back to Joe. Joe enjoyed his work, and spent a good part of the money he made on booze. Life seemed grand until winter came, when Joe was once again laid off.
He took what little savings he had and hopped on a ferry boat headed – you’re not gonna believe this -- NORTH. Joe was on the boat for a few days, and discovered there was gambling on the boat. So, fairly soon, Joe had both a drinking AND a gambling problem. After a few days' travel, Joe managed to snag a tourist map, and read that the next stop “the most northern town in Alaska that you’re likely to see a moose.”
Hot damn!
Joe got off the ferry and set straight off into the wilderness. Within three hours, he’d shot himself a big ol’ moose. He built himself a lean-to and camped out for two weeks, just eating moose and generally enjoying his life. Now, it’s cold in Alaska, and winter was rapidly approaching, but even at those low temperatures, Joe should probably not have been eating the same piece of meat for two weeks straight.
Nevertheless, he survived, and when the moose was gone, he went back to the town and spent the last of his savings on a kerosene heater and some canned food. He climbed into the mountains and found himself an abandoned cabin for the winter. Periodically, he’d walk outside, shoot a moose, and skin it. If the moose had a radio collar, he’d simply toss it into the river below.
There was only one problem with Joe’s plan. Radio collars in Alaska are designed to be quite weather-resistant. The collars would hit the water, sink straight to the bottom of the river, and continue to send out their signal.
Now, forest rangers, unlike your average Republican, generally aren’t stupid. When they see five or six moosesesus congregated in one spot for several months, it’s fairly obvious they have been killed and their collars disposed of. Because Joe was simply throwing the collars in front of the cabin, the rangers knew exactly where Joe was camping out.
Only, it was the middle of winter by then, and they couldn’t get to him.
So time rolls on, and one Spring morning, Joe wakes up, stretches, scratches himself, and wanders outside …
Where he is promptly arrested and throw in jail.
Three days later, he’s out of jail and married.
Ok … I know I told you I’d finish the story this time, but I’m terribly exhausted and this is getting quite lengthy – this man has led a long and illustrious life.
SO I’ll leave you in suspense for now, and we’ll wrap this up some other time.
With love,
Nas-T
P.S. Anonymous posts are for pussies.
But what to complete the delicious snack? A bottle of red wine, of course!
I stopped at Giant Eagle, and on the way into the store, I remembered I’d been meaning to purchase a pumpkin to carve a sweet jack-o-lantern for all the kiddies coming this Thursday.
Alas! All the good pumpkins were gone, and I was left with the dregs. But wait! There, among the deformed and otherwise “special” pumpkins, was a hearty, meaty pumpkin, ripe for the picking.
Happily, I strutted into the store to get my bottle of wine. I grabbed an Australian wine I thought I’d try but LOOK! A good California wine with a coupon! Upon closer examination, the coupon was for … $1 off one pumpkin!
YES! The world is a righteous place.
When I reached the cash register – a triumphant smile on my face – the clerk shook his head.
“It’s after one. I can’t sell you alcohol.”
Lousy Ohio law.
“Can I still have my pumpkin coupon?” I asked, sadly.
“NO!” he screamed, in a petty exercise of CLERK POWER.
My heart shattered into a million pieces.
Anyway, nobody cares. Back to Joe’s story, as so many of you have demanded …
SO, where were we?
Oh yes, Alaska.
Joe moved to Alaska and found himself a nice job … logging the rainforest.
Yes, folks, there IS a rainforest in Alaska (the northernmost rainforest in the world, it just so happens) and yes, you can log it.
Not only can you log this rainforest, but the activity is subsidized by our federal government. A shining example of America’s perfectly crooked priorities.
Every year, this town logs the rainforest, and every year, the town makes less money than it spends doing the actual logging. Rather than helping people find a more sustainable way to make a living, the government simply gives the town enough money to stay afloat. This happens because Republicans are the spawn of Satan. Satan would rather destroy the rainforest than help people, which is why Republicans insist on using our tax money for gas subsidies instead of education; Republicans, like the dregs of the pumpkin barrel, are twisted, rotten, slimy, dented in the most important places, and sag dangerously to the right.
Ok, I made up that last line myself. But the rainforest thing really is true.
Anyway, sorry for that rambling, preachy bit. Keep in mind, the story was told to me by a conservation biologist.
Back to Joe. Joe enjoyed his work, and spent a good part of the money he made on booze. Life seemed grand until winter came, when Joe was once again laid off.
He took what little savings he had and hopped on a ferry boat headed – you’re not gonna believe this -- NORTH. Joe was on the boat for a few days, and discovered there was gambling on the boat. So, fairly soon, Joe had both a drinking AND a gambling problem. After a few days' travel, Joe managed to snag a tourist map, and read that the next stop “the most northern town in Alaska that you’re likely to see a moose.”
Hot damn!
Joe got off the ferry and set straight off into the wilderness. Within three hours, he’d shot himself a big ol’ moose. He built himself a lean-to and camped out for two weeks, just eating moose and generally enjoying his life. Now, it’s cold in Alaska, and winter was rapidly approaching, but even at those low temperatures, Joe should probably not have been eating the same piece of meat for two weeks straight.
Nevertheless, he survived, and when the moose was gone, he went back to the town and spent the last of his savings on a kerosene heater and some canned food. He climbed into the mountains and found himself an abandoned cabin for the winter. Periodically, he’d walk outside, shoot a moose, and skin it. If the moose had a radio collar, he’d simply toss it into the river below.
There was only one problem with Joe’s plan. Radio collars in Alaska are designed to be quite weather-resistant. The collars would hit the water, sink straight to the bottom of the river, and continue to send out their signal.
Now, forest rangers, unlike your average Republican, generally aren’t stupid. When they see five or six moosesesus congregated in one spot for several months, it’s fairly obvious they have been killed and their collars disposed of. Because Joe was simply throwing the collars in front of the cabin, the rangers knew exactly where Joe was camping out.
Only, it was the middle of winter by then, and they couldn’t get to him.
So time rolls on, and one Spring morning, Joe wakes up, stretches, scratches himself, and wanders outside …
Where he is promptly arrested and throw in jail.
Three days later, he’s out of jail and married.
Ok … I know I told you I’d finish the story this time, but I’m terribly exhausted and this is getting quite lengthy – this man has led a long and illustrious life.
SO I’ll leave you in suspense for now, and we’ll wrap this up some other time.
With love,
Nas-T
P.S. Anonymous posts are for pussies.
posted by Sketch E. at 1:34 AM
2 Comments:
P.S. Anonymous posts are for pussies. As the poster of the last anonymous comment, I am offended by this.
I am what I am. I am what I have. As I do not have a penis I am a pussy. It's when you get into "you are what you eat" that the story begins to be interesting.
Ann of Boflynn
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