Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Bloggy Underpants

In a moment of High Fidelity-style compulsiveness, my friend Brian composed a list of 25 albums that changed his life, in chronological order. Inspired, I composed my own list, and I’ve encouraged several friends (Lee, Soop …) with an appreciation for music to do the same. This is essentially a loving tribute to the bands below. There are also bands I love (CCR, The Mad Caddies, The Beatles) that are conspicuously absent. But these albums have changed the course of how I perceive the world, which is art functioning at its best. This has been damn fun, and I encourage everyone to think of their own list and send it to me. Here we go!




25 Albums That Have Changed My Life, in chronological order:

1. Paul Simon – “Graceland” -- Some of my most vivid memories as a child are riding in the car with my Dad, listening to this album (seems like we were always riding somewhere in the car). My Mom is a total chatterbox on the road, but even now, when my Dad and I ride together, we hardly speak. It’s our own sort of driving etiquette. We just crank up the music, relax and enjoy the sound. I remember being lulled to sleep on long night road trips, still humming “Myth Of Fingerprints” in my head. I believe Paul Simon is the American John Lennon. No other American artist stretched the boundaries of pop music as Paul Simon did, and no other album with this sort of complexity had the deft accessibility of Graceland. Similarly, just as the Beatles introduced Indian rhythms and music styles into their music, Paul Simon brought a distinct African sound to the album. He also incorporated colloquial styles (such as the Cajun “Zydeco”) into some of the album’s best tunes. Of course, I didn’t recognize any of this as a kid. I just thought “Diamonds In The Soles Of Her Shoes” was a damn catchy tune.

2. Simon and Garfunkel – “Bridge Over Troubled Water” – See above.

3. Weird Al Yankovic – “Dare To Be Stupid” – My dad had an LP of this album (not sure why). The needle probably wore a hole straight through the vinyl, I listened to it so much. Weird Al was extremely important to me over the years, but this was the first album of his that I really fell in love with.

4. Bill Cosby – “Wonderfulness” – Ok, so not music. But I used to stay up at night, when my parents were asleep, listening to records. I chose this one as often as any of the others, and it certainly gave me a perspective on how comedy is best performed. I can do many of the routines by heart.

5. Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass – “Greatest Hits, Vol. 1” – My Dad gave me this tape when I was a kid. Having full confidence in my father’s taste in music, I listened to it virtually non-stop. It was roughly around the time of this tape that I got my first Walkman. Top three tapes: Herb Alpert, The Simpsons Sing the Blues, and (shamefully) Kriss Kross. But this is the album I picked up most frequently, and it gave me the love of brass that ignited my seven-year love affair with the trumpet.

6. R.E.M. – “Monster” – The first rock album I ever purchased. Hardcore R.E.M. fans will insist it isn’t rock, but look no further than the glorious opening chords of Kenneth. And, on the rare nights when I’m feeling particularly nostalgic, the mournful guitar solo in that song can nearly make me cry. This may not be classic R.E.M., but it was my first, and, as such, was my introduction to their genius. Although Monster has received an enormous amount of pretentious criticism, I have heard more stories of personal growth inspired by this album than any other in R.E.M.’s ample catalogue. And I’m not just talking about the general population’s obsession with Kenneth. For just one example, a friend of mine told me that, after a nasty break-up, he went to his room and put Strange Currencies on repeat. He sprawled on in his bed, crying for hours, listening to that song over and over. Why this particular song was more important than, say, “Everybody Hurts,” is one of those beautiful mysteries of art. But Monster was underrated then and it’s underrated now. This is an album that does what rock does best: it relates both musically and lyrically to its fans.

7. They Might Be Giants – “Flood” – Most of my friends caught on to this album after Tiny Toon Adventures made a couple mock videos of their songs. I was well aware of the infamous episode, but my own obsession started when I heard the Johns on NPR. They played an amazing version of “Istanbul,” and I knew that finally there was a band to which a geek-rocker like myself could fully relate. I now own every They Might Be Giants album, and I’ve scoured the Internet for b-sides, singles, etc. that often have escaped even dedicated fans. They have other albums that I enjoy more, but when I’m honest, Flood the first and most important to my musical education.

8. Hootie And The Blowfish – “Cracked Rear View” – Ok, before you laugh, let me put this in context. This album was my first CD – a present from my Dad, along with my first CD player. My Dad likes to say he’s always on the “cutting edge,” and in this case, he was right on the money. He gave me this CD nearly a full year before Hootie became the latest pop radio fad. In a way, I was sad when they became overplayed to the point of becoming a joke. This album demonstrated that pop music still had some force in the music world.

9. Reel Big Fish – “Why Do They Rock So Hard?” – Ah, my first ska album. And what a perfect intruduction. Anyone who’s ever actually sat down and learned to play a musical instrument will tell you that ska is one of the finest genres. It is complex, original, goofy, catchy and all-around fun. The ska-core nerds will insist there are much better bands than RBF out there, but I stand by my own opinion that they are the kings. Nobody encapsulates the genre as well as Reel Big Fish, and frankly, they deserve every bit of their success. They are the Beatles of ska: the best at what they do, as well as being the most popular. I had no idea this type of music existed outside of the Bosstones, and the silliness of this album enthralled the TMBG/Weird Al-loving kid in me. This album was perfect for my goofy style. From Reel Big Fish’s “Cheer Up” to The Toaster’s, “Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down,” ska has shaped me as a person more than any other genre.

10. Cake – “Fashion Nugget” – I’d heard “The Distance” and the remake of “I Will Survive,” but I was not prepared for the joyful sound explosion of Fashion Nugget. I once read an interview with John McCrea, in which he said, “If I were down to my last $18, I’d spend it on my own CD. That’s how much I love what we do.” This twisted passion shines through in “Fashion Nugget,” and his style of music should be a wake-up call to every other rock band in the world. It is rare that I can’t pick out at least a few influences of any particular artist, but then, Cake is a rare breed of originality. Nobody else sounds like Cake, and no one ever will. The disjointed delivery of lyrics, the strict enunciation of every syllable, the complex rhythms and structure … and yet every Cake song seems so simple. Simple theme, simple melody, simple words. Cake is the only other band besides They Might Be Giants that I give full credit for developing their own style, and pushing music in a new direction in doing so.

11. Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Californication” – I can’t think of another album in the last 10 years that was so brilliantly produced. With the possible exception of “Porcelain,” every song on this album is strong. This is the Chili Peppers finest CD (I didn’t fall head-over-heels for “Blood Sugar Sex Magik” for a variety of reasons). In particular, Frusciante’s return to the band was solid and triumphant. But that shouldn’t overshadow the achievement of the other members. Flea was at the top of his game, and Anthony Kiedis’ vocals were mind-blowing. One thing in particular I’ve always loved about this album is Kiedis’ vocal emulation of the guitars. The lyrics are sharp and brilliant. As a whole, this is about as perfect as an album gets, and I strongly believe the Chili Peppers will prove the band with the most staying power of any 80s or 90s rock group.

12. Green Day – “Dookie” – If the Clash legitimized punk, Green Day solidified it as a form of rock that continues as an intimidating force. Everyone knows this album, so I don’t need a lot of detail about it. The constant references to walking amongst the dead are the sort of theme that makes this album gloriously futon-revolution-style punk rock.

13. Louis Armstrong – “Louis Armstrong” -- I picked up one of those “cheap-ass-classic-artist compilation” albums at a K-mart once, and I constantly return to this album for a sort of musical moral support. It provides a beautiful break from Punk if nothing else. The album is low-key, relaxing, and elegant. His trumpet skills are enough to make me wish I’d never stopped playing.

14. NOFX – “Pump Up The Valuum” – I’ll never forget the first time I heard a NOFX song. It was “Bottles To The Ground” on a Pittsburgh rock station (THE X), and I nearly ran my car off the road. I was just beginning my complete head-first dive into the world of punk, and NOFX was drilled into my heart at that very moment. I rediscovered them about a month later, when I heard, “We Threw Gasoline In The Fire and Now We Have Stumps For Arms And No Eyebrows” on an Epitaph compilation CD. Make no mistake, NOFX is the epitome of modern punk. Musically, they have driven punk forward at a breakneak pace (but, Fat Mike might ask, is there any other way to do it?). Lyrically, they are unrivaled in both wit and satire. The band as a whole has produced albums that are socially and politically poignant, without losing focus, a fate which has driven Bad Religion into the dust. Mocking society with a sense of humor is an anthemic soundtrack to the world of Trevor.

15. Bouncing Souls – “Hopeless Romantic” –I love anything that is different, anything that adds a unique voice (this goes for people as well as music). For this reason, I love The Bouncing Souls. They’re very punk, but also very positive – an idea that practically turns the genre on its head. I’m in a glum period right now, but I’m generally a very optimistic person, and the Bouncing Souls speak to me in that respect. I remember being 17 or 18, driving at reckless speeds, windows down, with my friend Joe. I careened into a Denny’s parking lot for the sheer purpose of being random, and began screaming along to “Hopeless Romantic” as we turned donuts. Ruckus. That’s the Bouncing Souls, and that’s me.

16. Bad Religion – “No Control” & Pennywise – “About Time” – These two albums share this spot because a) I listened to them at precisely the same point in my life and b) they changed me in a very similar manner. I was a little intimidated to start listening to Bad Religion at that point, because I was strongly Christian then. But Bad Religion wasn’t the “Jesus is bad, faith is dumb” band that one would assume upon seeing their name. To my knowledge, there is no Bad Religion song that outright denounces Christian faith (although Brett Gurewitz is Jewish, so it wouldn’t be all that surprising). Instead, Bad Religion challenges all faiths, with bold questions for the firm believers of any religion. I have always been one to challenge and ask questions – a trait which fuels my journalism quite well. These two albums challenge social structures, belief systems, corporate dominance, and the general selfishness of the American lifestyle. They are bold and radical (as was Jesus, which many people seem to forget), even in the world of punk rock. And they’ve encouraged me to continue to question anyone who tries to persuade me that their way is the right way. Bad Religion understands why sometimes “I Want To Conquer The World,” and Pennywise reminds me that “I’m not cut from the same mold / I’m don’t read from the same old story.” These albums are enlightening, empowering, and a lot of fun to thrash to.

17. Offspring – “Smash” – Like Green Day’s “Dookie,” this album was both a great punk record and a commercial success. Whenever someone asks why anyone would sign to an indie label, I point to this album. Granted, the Offpsring are major-label now, but Smash was done by Epitaph (formed by none other than Brett Gurewitz himself), and still remains their strongest. Though Green Day might be the modern punk saviors, they also spawned every disgusting generic punk-pop band on the radio today. The Offspring should have been the shape of punk to come (to make a punk pun), and this album makes me want to get up and kick ass.

18. Weezer – “Weezer” (Blue) – It’s as cliché as “Dookie,” but it must be on here. Weezer is incredible, and every album is nearly equally strong. But the first album has a sort of magical naïve and unassuming quality. “The World Has Turned” is one song in particular that I often adopt during (or, really, at the end of) my own relationships. Besides, Rivers Cuomo has sexy glasses.

19. Catch 22 – “Keasbey Nights” – This is another “first album,” and it is the furthest thing from unassuming. It opens with a chaotic attack of guitar and brass instruments, and the energy never dissipates. This is one of my all-time favorite albums ever. The combination of punk and ska is personally intriguing to me, but the lyrics are sensational. They are more poetic and inflammatory than anything a rap artist has ever produced, and darker than the typical punk/ska band (remember, I like DIFFERENT). The music is both intricate and passionate. This is another album that just fuels me to want to do great things …

20. Rancid – “… And Out Come The Wolves” – This is as punk and punk gets, and Rancid was at the top of their game. If you haven’t heard Matt Freeman play bass, then you’re missing some true wizardry. Unlike the other Rancid albums, the lyrics here are almost romantic (think “Good Morning, Heartache”) and nostalgic (“Back To Olympia”). Rancid has an amazing story (ask me about it), and this album is the product of a lot of creative effort. It suits many mood styles, which is a rare thing for punk, and I think that is part of the reason it is so dear to me.

21. Sublime – “Sublime” – I made a promise never to listen to commercial radio about the same time I discovered punk rock. Because of this, I missed out on Sublime, and that has worked in my favor (radio, like MTV, destroys all forms of music). “What I Got” was fresh and wonderful when I first listened to this album, and it is as inspiring to me now as it was the first time I heard it. I feel like many people have become numb to the genius of this song, or “Wrong Way” or any of the other hits. This album truthfully speaks about life and the streets of America, and encompasses rock, ska, punk, reggae, hip/hop – a stunning artistic achievement.

22. Elvis Costello – “The Very Best of Elvis Costello And The Attractions” – I loved Elvis Costello before I got this album, but this cemented that love as firmly as any wedding vow. Elvis Costello is punk in a laid-back sort of way. The album is a relaxing affirmation of my own beliefs about life.

23. Streetlight Manifesto -- “Everything Goes Numb” -- Consisting of the most talented ex-members of Catch 22, Streetlight Manifesto has redefined ska (just as Catch 22 did with “Keasbey Nights”). Every song has a unique theme and the arrangements are stunning. Every time I listen to this album, I catch new things. I first heard it in Australia, when my friend Colin received it in the mail from his brother. Colin’s brother informed him that he had to hear the album before he got back – it was that exceptional. This album is a work of beauty, and I have so much to say, but I’ll leave it with one more anecdote: The members of the band decided to raise their own money and record the album on their own time. Once finished, they sold it to their former label, insisting that no producer touch it. The result is a raw and original artistic statement, straight from the heart of the band. I see this album as a validation of my own embracement for the original and unique. These are the qualities that can induce change, whether that change affects a musical genre or the world …

24. Soul Coughing – “El Oso” – Mike Doughty and gang taught me a very valuable lesson: electronic music can be fun. It’s not all 80s music and Postal Service. Indeed, there can be innovation and a little bit of soul added to an electric background. Rock on, Doughty.

25. The Clash – “London Calling” – I’d heard the Clash before this album, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why the band behind “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?” and “Rock the Casbah” made such a huge splash. At that time, I didn’t understand the history of The Clash. Still, I felt that to truly appreciate punk, I should own this album. On a whim, I picked it up at a used CD shop, put it into my car player, and suddenly discovered what everyone was talking about. Songs about London, drugs, the supermarket … even Montgomery Clift. The Clash experiment with Reggae, Dub, punk, R&B, Jazz … I can’t think of another punk album so innovative. In fact, I can’t think of many rock ablums this innovative. It also has my favorite album cover of all time.



That’s it! All 25 albums. Whew. Anyway, I love movies, but music has always been my greatest passion. Other albums, such as The Eels’ “Shootenanny!” are currently shaping my life (thanks Brian), but the albums above have so far had the greatest impact. So check them out. Or ask me, and I’ll hook you up with a copy.

Love to all.

Nas-T.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Blog The Casbah

The Devil and Mr. T, or My Punk Rock Origins

My original intent for this blog was a sort of retrospective journal – an opportunity for those of you who are interested to see what events have shaped me as a person. So Joe’s story has been told, the election is over, and now it’s time to get things back on track again.

A lot of people over the years have asked me why I am ... well, myself.

To be honest, I’m often not proud of who I am, but there are certain aspects of my personality that I do love, and share boldly with everyone.

For example, I am proud that I am punk. And make no mistake: I am punk to the very core of my soul.

And I often wondered why.

I mean, my parents are both conservative, middle class teachers. Nothing punk about that.

Sometimes we don’t get along, but punk was never a rebellion against my family. As far as I was concerned, there were much larger issues at hand than a few petty squabbles between my parents and myself. Punk was something deeper, a mindset I embraced long before I ever heard my first punk rock song, or even knew the definition of “punk.”

But one day, I had a vivid memory of a moment in my childhood that is clearly the root of one of my favorite personality traits.




First, you should know that lunch in my elementary school was akin to a concentration camp. We had to line up single file, and enter the gymnasium without speaking. We were expected to sort ourselves by those eating a school lunch and those eating a bag lunch, and sit at tables sectioned off by grade level.

Once seated, we could speak at a low mumble.

To ensure a quiet lunchroom, a sound monitor -- cleverly wired to a siren – was placed in the back of the gym. If the noise level rose to an inappropriate level, the siren would blast across the lunch room with a deafening shriek. The entire lunchroom would have to be silent for 5 straight minutes.

Considering the happy carelessness of children, that damn siren would sound 3-4 times every lunch period. Considering that our lunch period was 30 minutes long, we had a lot of very quite meals.

After 30 minutes, we would all line up, single file and completely silent, and leave the lunch room.

Those who dared to speak during the SILENT PERIODS were sent to the stage.

And the stage was a humiliating experience.

We had to sit on narrow wooden benches, with our backs to the rest of the lunchroom. There, we finished our lunches in silence, with the knowledge that the NEXT lunch period would be spent in detention with our lunatic music teacher, copying the dictionary.

Yes, you read that right. The dictionary. We’d start with the A’s, and she kept all our definitions on file, so that with every new detention, we could pick up where we left off.

To make things worse, the sixth graders were the closest group to the stage, and they would not hesitate to mock (or even throw food at) the poor fools who were sent there.

And as if that weren’t fun enough, we got to hear the obnoxious comments of our masochistic gym teacher, a muscular, sexist dickweed who took great pleasure in punishing children 1/5 his age (he actually PADDLED a kid in our gym class once for a very petty reason – disgusting man).

Inevitably, the daily stage population included every mentally handicapped kid in the lunchroom, seeing as how they did not understand the ridiculous rules for eating with ones’ friends. Then, a few talkative boys and girls would be sent there as well, because, basically, we couldn’t follow the rules any better than the retarded kids.

If you have for some reason never spoken to me, I generally have a lot of bullshit to say about just about anything (including, as this essay reveals, myself). That was true even as a child, so I got sent to the stage A LOT. I think I copied the whole damn dictionary several times over.

That’s the scenario. Quiet lunches, teachers who thrive on children’s misery, and a stage full of innocent victims, most of them bubbling snot from their noses or mouths in oblivious bliss.

So.

There I am, fifth grade, and lunch is almost over. I’ve avoided detention once again, which is a triumph, because I have served two that week.

And dammit, I enjoyed lunch. I spent nearly the whole lunch talking (when we were allowed, anyway) to my best friend, Ryan, who is still to this day one of the top-five funniest people I know, even if he is a Baptist preacher.* (see Random Thought Sidebar – coming soon).

It was so wonderful sitting with him. Ryan used to make me laugh until my sides hurt on a daily basis. It was FAR better than copying down preposterous definitions (although I must admit I have now a splendiferous vocabulary – and spelling skills for that matter).

Lunch ended, and we all lined up. Silently. Except for one voice.

A goofy voice, that clearly belonged to one poor, clueless bastard: Chaz.

Chaz wasn’t one of my favorite people, but he was even nerdier than I was, so I often felt sorry for him.

But not that day. That day, I was damn glad HE was the one in trouble, instead of me.

I could barely even SEE Chaz – he was a half dozen people ahead of me. But it was clearly his voice, so loud in an otherwise silent gymnasium full of children.

I stood stock still, wanting to turn around and exchange knowing, worried looks with my friend Ryan. Wanting SO BAD to tell Chaz to shut up, that he was about to get busted, that he was seconds away from spending an entire fucking lunch period with a cramped hand and a page full of definitions: abacus, abaft, abalone …

My thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of a shadow on the wall next to me. A hulking, gorilla-shaped shadow that could only be one person:

Our gym teacher.

Poor, poor Chaz.

A voice boomed:

“TREVOR!”

Wha?

“GET TO THE STAGE! NOW!”

I spun around so fast I nearly had my face in our gym teacher’s armpit. I gawked, incredulous.

“YOU HEARD ME. STAGE! NOW!”

“Wha? What? Why??!”

“I HEARD YOU TALKING. STAGE! NOW!”

“I wasn’t talking! I was being quiet!”

“STAGE! NOW!”

I could see there was no arguing with him. For whatever reason, the gym teacher was just SURE I had been making all the noise.

Chaz, the cowardly bastard, had shut up without a single word in my defense.

I headed toward the stage, sulking. All of my classmates looked sympathetically in my direction.

But then something amazing happened.

Ryan looked up at the gym teacher, who was now turning away from the line, and said in a loud, clear, calm voice:

“He wasn’t talking.”

The gym teacher whirled around, and there are few moments in my life when I’ve ever seen a person look so demented.

“EXCUSE ME?!” the teacher roared.

“I said, he wasn’t talking!” Ryan repeated. His voice was louder this time, a little frightened, but a whole lot defiant.

The gym teacher sneered, wicked and evil.

“Well, if he wasn’t talking, maybe you were. I want you BOTH on the stage.”




And that was the moment I became a punk.

Ryan and I both got detention, and Chaz never said a word.

But I didn’t hold it against Chaz – our gym teacher could be terrifying, especially when you were as easily bullied as Chaz.

But I learned a few extremely important lessons that day. These may seem silly now, but to a fifth-grader, they were very profound.

For starters, I learned to stand up for what is right. No matter what the cost, no matter who is trying to intimidate you. Stand up for what is right. When I said I’m not always proud of who I am, my most shameful moments are those where I knew what was right, and failed to act. But those moments are few, because Ryan taught me that there are more noble causes than self-preservation.

Second, and just as punk, is that authorities never know what the fuck they’re talking about. Assumptions are the basis for rash decisions. Power is exercised and abused. If an elementary-school gym teacher takes this much pleasure from the petty punishments of his pupils, then what might a President do, all that power going to his head?

I’ve seen so many examples of this, from other nasty teacher-student relationships through Rodney King. It makes me sick. Authority is never to be trusted.

Third, and relating to the second, is that bureaucracy is bullshit.

It occurred to me that day that there was no other person in authority we could turn to for help. No other teacher would have believed us. And who to go to after that? The counselor? The principal? They would simply have deferred to the gym teacher all over again. Even as an 11-year-old, I understood the hopelessness of this. It was the word of a dishonest (or, at least, confused) 50-year-old man against two children. That pairing will always and forever lose. All we could do was accept our punishment. Ryan and I, side-by-side, both innocent of an insipid crime. We sat together on that stage, listening to the gym teacher reprimand us for having the NERVE to question his authority. We sat together the following Monday in detention, martyrs for the lunch-room cause.

And Ryan never complained. Never showed any sign of regretting his decision to speak out. And I knew that Ryan didn’t open his mouth simply because it was the RIGHT THING. Ryan defended me because I was his friend. And whether or not I was right or wrong, he was going to stand by me (as I so often did for him in the following years) when everyone else was silent, and THE AUTHORITY was against him.

And that, above all, is the most important lesson I learned that day; a definition far more valuable than any found in a dictionary. I learned what it is to be a true friend.






Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Electoral Bloggage

Election Day.

Well, it’s down to it. So much has been said on this issue, there’s not a lot for me to add. One thing that brings people of both parties together this year is that we’re all damn ready for this to be over.

A light-hearted and wild look at this election can be found here:

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/_/id/6562575?pageid=rs.Home&pageregion=single7

As usual, Hunter Thompson makes up about 40% of the shit he writes, but the rest is so painfully insightful it almost makes you sick. Richard Nixon as a liberal indeed …

And of course, if Dr. Thompson seems too serious, you can always hit up


http://www.theonion.com


As for the election, the latest poll predictions are as follows:

Washington Post -- Bush 49%, Kerry 48%

CNN/USA Today/Gallup – Bush 48%, Kerry 46%

New York Times – Bush 52%, Kerry 45%

Columbus Dispatch – Bush 50%, Kerry 50%

Michael Moore: Bush 0%, Kerry 100%



Ok, I made that last bit up.

The most important thing to remember in these statistics is the margin of error, generally + or – 4-5 percentage points. Which means it’s nearly impossible to tell.

More shocking than a close presidential election is the fact that the Gay Marriage Ban (State Issue 1 if you’re an Ohio voter) is an actual issue in Ohio.

I don’t know where people lost sight of the big picture here. This is discrimination solely on the basis of sexual preference.

That’s bigotry, and it’s wrong.

This should never have left a politician’s MOUTH, let alone wound up on a ballot as a serious choice.

As if that’s not bad enough, it looks as if it will actually PASS.

Way to go, Ohio. A shining example to the nation that prejudice is still a proud foundation of the general Ohio populace.

But that’s my only real rant. As for our future president -- Bush or Kerry – there’s not a real choice here. Sure, in the last month or so, Kerry has actually seemed like he could be a decent President, but it’s too little, too late. And John Edwards – yeesh! A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Sometimes I wonder why people get so passionately worked up over this election. Kerry voted in favor of the war in Iraq (if this is news to you, please don’t vote today). Kerry supported Bush’s No Child Left Behind act, which is probably the worst education policy this country has ever seen.

Neither candidate has a reasonable plan to deal with Social Security or the creation of jobs in a poor economy, and their economic policies are the most definitive lines between the two.

The Columbus Dispatch -- a CONSERVATIVE paper for those of you who believe in that sort of horseshit -- points out that in the last seven months, 500 more Americans were killed in Iraq, and Ohio lost 13,300 jobs.

Yet, the polls are just as close now as they were seven months ago.

This election may not be as crappy as 2000, but there is still so little distinction between two lousy candidates.

Every major news organization has reported that both candidates have 'teams of lawyers' lined up in Ohio and Florida, because we know it won't be as simple as counting votes.


This election process -- and I’m still carefully avoiding mention of the presidency here -- is an embarrassment and a shame. Anyone who’s traveled outside the U.S. since 2000 knows this.

One thing I’m proud of is that this should be a record vote. It may even actually reach 50%. This is a good thing, because nearly everyone I know has an opinion about this presidency. So it's about time people actually voiced that in a meaningful way, instead of just bitching from their couches. More college students and other slacker-types are registered than ever before. A true futon revolution could be at hand.

This is the first election since I've been voting that I haven't been extremely vocal about. Part of this is because the candidates are so similar. The other part is that it seems pointless to try, because I'm the only person I know who hasn't made up his or her mind -- everyone else decided months ago (which makes me laugh at the desperate moves of both candidates since the debates). My own indecision results not from a waffling between Bush and Kerry, but instead a waffling between the left and far left.

And don't give me any crap like, "A vote for Nader is a vote for Bush."

The exit polls in the last election showed that most people voting for Nader would have voted for Bush if Nader weren't an option. So take your Democratic propaganda and shove it.

Anyway, I can only hope that the people voting actually took a moment to familiarize themselves with the issues. Honestly, this does not take a lot of time for most issues. Go to your local newspaper’s Website, take five minutes to familiarize yourself with the issues, then drive to the poll and vote.

If you can’t take the time to do that, stay the fuck home.

Ok, I’m kidding. I’m not pulling the Republican “suppress the vote” ploy here. I mean, if you really want to vote blindly, go for it. I’m just hoping people will take a quick minute to make sure they know who or what they’re voting for or against.

For example, Ralph Nader (not on the Ohio ballot, for those of you voting there) is running independently, NOT as the Green party candidate.

If you didn’t know this, stay the fuck home.

Ok, kidding again, but:

The Green party candidate is David Cobb, whose highest political position held is a county seat. Despite lacking a formal political party backing, Ralph Nader is generally considered a greater electoral threat than Cobb. Which is odd, because neither poses any real threat whatsoever.

This is the sort of thing you should know before hitting the polls. Have at least a vague idea of what each candidate represents, whether it be local or national, decide which you think is best for the county/state/country, and then get out there and vote!