I'll Give You Sum'n To Blog About!

"There's no point for democracy
When ignorance is celebrated
Political scientists get the same one vote
As some Arkansas inbred
Majority rule
Don't work in mental institutions
Sometimes the smallest, softest voice carries the grand biggest solutions.

What are we left with?
A nation of God-fearing pregnant nationalists
Who feel it's their duty to populate the homeland
Pass on traditions
How to get ahead, religions,
And prosperity via simpleton culture."

~~ NOFX, 'Idiots Are Taking Over'



Wha'd you say? This is 'MERICA boy! And it just keeps gettin' better ever' day! HOOOO-EEEEEEE.



Alright, people. You're gonna love this. Which is sick, because you shouldn't. But GOT-DAMN, how can you resist an adorable 9-year-old girl with a gun?

HEEE-HAWWWW.



We interrupt this blog for a special news bulletin:

So I wanted to just link to this article, but the corporate pricks at the NY Times got greedy, and now it's $3.95 just to see an archived article there, because everyone wants to pay four times the price of the newspaper itself to read an out-of-date article, especially when any library will provide it for free.

But I've beaten them at their own game, because I previously copied and pasted the highlights in a secret e-mail to an undercover comrade, and thanks to the search power of G-mail, I was able to retrieve it just for you, lovely reader. SO FEAST, good friends. And feel the sweet pleasure of sticking it to the man.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog:



The Times article may be the greatest example of the fine line between comedy and tragedy I've ever seen. It was ridiculously long article about a man who has a very unique job: he gets paid to teach young children how to kill animals. The parents get to go too, boy howdy, but the idea is to get kids interested in what the adults consider a dying art.

So the article profiles a 9-year-old girl taking advantage of this fantastic program:

'She had won a "dream hunt" given away by a Vermont man whose goal is to get more children to hunt, and she had traveled about 200 miles from her home in Bellingham, Mass., and was missing three days of school to take him up on his offer.

"Almost everything you hunt is pretty fun," said Samantha, grinning and perfectly at home with a group of five men, the youngest of whom was nearly three times her age.

At one point, as the group crossed a wooden bridge, Samantha's father, Scott, who had accompanied her - and had filled out her application for the hunting contest - teased her that trolls lived under the bridge.

"Dad," Samantha said with bravado, "I got a gun."

The dream hunt - all expenses paid, including taxidermy - was the brainchild of Kevin Hoyt, a 35-year-old hunting instructor who quit a job as a structural steel draftsman a few years ago and decided to dedicate himself to getting children across the country interested in hunting.

His efforts reflect what hunting advocates across the country say is an increasingly urgent priority, and what hunting opponents find troubling: recruiting more children to sustain the sport of hunting, which has been losing participants of all ages for two decades.

"Forty years from now our kids will be learning about this as history," said Larry Gauthier, one of Mr. Hoyt's buddies on the bear hunt. "Hunters should be included as an extinct species because we're falling away so fast, we need to be protected."'

Now let's be serious people. Have you ever heard anything so sweet? And here I thought politics was our nation's greatest profession.

And lo! Apparently, because of urban sprawl, people just can't hunt like they used to. And wow, all that wildlife preservation I do, and here it's the hunters who are an extinct species.

Thank God someone is out there protecting the interests of our nation's children. And what better way to do that, than to give a 9-year-old a shotgun. Man, people just make me want to caper with joy.

The article went on to detail how the girl lied to her friends and teacher about her absence, further evidence that we all need to jump on this bandwagon of teaching strong morals to children.

It must be said that Duffman first told me about this article. Here's how the conversation went:

Duff: So they show this 9-year-old girl, cute as a button, dressed head-to-toe in camouflage, holding a shotgun.

Sketch: In West Virginia she'd be quite a catch.

Duff: Yeah, sounds like a prom date.





Ok, I have a confession to make. All that jibba-jabba praising the adults in the article above? Well, that was sarcasm. I know it was terribly misleading, and I am ashamed.

But take heart!

There are far more intelligent adults in the world, such as some Kentucky-folk that started the Creation Science Museum.

I learned about this museum from The Washington Post (you will note people can still inform themselves at no cost at this fine paper). Here is the beginning of the article:

PETERSBURG, Ky. -- The guide, a soft-spoken fellow with a scholarly aspect, walks through the halls of this handsome, half-finished museum and points to the sculpture of a young velociraptor.

"We're placing this one in the hall that explains the post-Flood world," explains the guide. "When dinosaurs lived with man."

A reporter has a question or two about this dinosaur-man business, but Mark Looy -- the guide and a vice president at the museum -- already has walked over to the lifelike head of a T. rex, with its three-inch teeth and carnivore's grin.

"We call him our 'missionary lizard,' " Looy says. "When people realize the T. rex lived in Eden, it will lead us to a discussion of the gospel. The T. rex once was a vegetarian, too."

The nation's largest museum devoted to the alternative reality that is biblical creation science is rising just outside Cincinnati. Set amid a park and three-acre artificial lake, the 50,000-square-foot museum features animatronic dinosaurs, state-of-the-art models and graphics, and a half-dozen staff scientists. It holds that the world and the universe are but 6,000 years old and that baby dinosaurs rode in Noah's ark.

The $25 million Creation Museum stands much of modern science on its head and might cause a paleontologist or three to rend their garments. But officials expect to attract hundreds of thousands of visitors when the museum opens in early 2007.

"Evolutionary Darwinists need to understand we are taking the dinosaurs back," says Kenneth Ham, president of Answers in Genesis-USA, which is building the museum. "This is a battle cry to recognize the science in the revealed truth of God."

Wow. That is truly amazing. Thank goodness someone decided to put those damned evolutionary biologists in their place, what with their "DNA" and their "fossil record" and their "facts," trying to persuade good ol' fashioned 'mericans that a 2000 year-old book just might be a little behind the times in its science. Yes indeedy, it's a terrible shame that only "45 percent of Americans believe that God created humans in their present form 10,000 years ago (or less) and that man shares no common ancestor with the ape."

Dammit, people 'r' smarter 'n 'at. Number ought to be a hunnert percent.

On the bright side, "65 percent of Americans want creationism taught alongside evolution."

You see my point? When has the majority ever been wrong about anything?

And it gets better. According to the NY Times, 38 percent of people are ...

... wait for it ...

... in favor of replacing the teaching of evolution with creationism.

Now I ask you, kind reader, Who are these freaks that are not in favor of teaching the Truth to our children? Who does not want them to know the facts: that vegetarian Tyrannosaurus rexes once communed in harmony with men?

It's time for 'merica to wake up, and stop living in sinful id'norance.



Ok ok. Whew. Sarcasm takes its toll.

Seriously, so often, my friends come to me with an embarassed confession: they don't read the news. And I've heard so many people criticize America for not being informed when there's so much free information in the world.

What's the point in having a literate, democratic society when so few inform themselves?

And the really cynical critics blame our generation for not being interested in the news.

But this just isn't true.

OUR PARENTS ELECTED NIXON TWICE, PEOPLE. In fact, they RE-ELECTED him after six months of Watergate stories. And now, the elders are giving kids guns and telling them insane stories about dinosaurs living with men as if it were a fact.

So don't feel so bad, kiddies. It's not that our generation is dumb. America has ALWAYS been this dumb!

My advice: getting angry is pointless and stressful, so fuck it. Forget the news. Forget education. Go out, get drunk, get laid.

And if you get blindsided by news somehow, and it makes you feel dumb, well just remember: dumb is the majority.

Funny ol' world, innit?



Peace and love,

Nas-T