Eternal Sunshine of the Blogless Mind

It’s hard to type and eat soup at the same time, so forgive me if some of this is rough.



I didn’t see every movie this year, and I’m proud of that. I’m really not sure why people kept saying 2004 was a good year for movies. Granted, in the last three months we’ve had a run of truly inspiring films, but honestly, the blockbusters this summer were Spiderman 2 and Fahrenheit 9/11. Not that there’s anything wrong with either movie, but it’s really not much choice for movie fans, especially those not interested in the fantasy genre (see, I take my digs at liberals, too).

The best films were sporadically released, and many of them were difficult to catch because they were indie or foreign or both. The rest of the time, we were stuck with crap that should have caused studios to slaughter and bury the executives who first gave them the green light. Yet, there they were, and if you wanted to see a movie prior to say, October, you were pretty much stuck seeing something awful.

This was also ‘Year of the Biopic.’ Ray, Kinsey, Beyond the Sea, Finding Neverland, Alexander, The Aviator … the list could probably go on forever. Biopics can be fun, and some of these movies were very well done. But seeing so many of one particular type of movie in a year makes me sad. One of the most beautiful things about film is that so many people go to it for so many different reasons. Saturating the market with a single type of film can alienate a large part of the potential audience, and could even overwhelm fans of the genre. Most of these movies were good, but their success could potentially spawn a lot of really bad rip-offs in the upcoming years. These films probably got the green light thanks to the success of Ron Howard's horror movie, A Beautiful Mind.

SO, here is a list of the worst films of 2004. My list differs from a lot of critics’ list, not just because there are several bad films I intentionally skipped this year, but also because I firmly believe in the mindset of Harry Knowles of Ain’t It Cool News. Sometimes, movies are just bad ideas with bad actors, and you can’t expect much from them. It’s the movies that SHOULD BE great that can be the worst disappointments.

Here’s a concrete example: everyone knew the movie Catwoman was going to suck. Halle Berry sucks (Oscar or no), Catwoman sucks, spin-offs suck, the director has only directed one other film … etc. So if you went to Catwoman expecting a brilliant and insightful work of cinema and were disappointed (and believe me, those people are out there), it’s your own fault.

On the flip side, take a movie like Alexander. It’s directed by Oliver Stone, who is arguably one of the greatest directors of our time. There’s not a bad name on the cast list. It even has Anthony Hopkins, an actor who actually deserved the Oscar he won. The real-life story of Alexander is incredible (and incredibly hard to screw up). Now, I haven’t seen the movie (which is why it is missing from the list below), but I’ve heard from EVERYONE who saw it that it was laughably terrible.

And that’s a shame.

This movie had a shot at being epic, and yet it fell totally flat. That level of disappointment is what separates bad movies from the truly horrific.

So anyway, now it’s time:


My 10 Least Favorite Films of 2004

1. Van Helsing – There’s nothing better than a sweet vampire movie. And nothing sadder than a really terrible one. A Dracula meets Wolfman meets Frankenstein’s monster movie is perfectly campy enough to work for Abbott and Costello. Unfortunately, Van Helsing was played straight. Everything about this movie was wrong. The directing was pathetic, with some of the worst CGI I’ve seen since … well, Garfield, actually. The editing was laughably bad. And while I generally appreciate ridiculous action sequences, these were just plain stupid. The script was unfunny and told most of the story through painful exposition. As for the acting – Kate Beckinsale’s accent made me wish I were one of Van Helsing’s successful hits. OH and that SCORE! Alan Silvestri’s mix of Mexican guitar riffs combined with synthesized drumming effects – not exactly indicative of 17th Century London. If I’d seen this in the theater, I would have walked out.

2. Friday Night Lights -- Formula for a heart-wrenching sports film: Coach gets crappy team, turns it into good team with some inflammatory pep talk like “Gentlemen. The hopes and dreams of an entire town are riding on your shoulders. You may never matter more than you do right now. It's time.”, best player gets hurt (and naturally, the only thing he knows how to do is play sports, so his life is over), worst player has problems at home but overcomes them to lead team to THE BIG GAME where … ah, but this movie was different. Surprise ending! Oh wait, didn’t I see that in Cool Runnings? I spent the entire film squirming in my seat, trying to shield myself from the barrage of cliché images, words, acting and plot-twists . The only other movie I can remember being so uncomfortable watching was last year’s trite shit-fest, Love Actually. Seriously, how many more sports movies can they make? The worst part of this film is the abusive father, who has such painfully over-acted, cheap, tug-at-the-heart-strings dialogue that I actually laughed aloud, drawing a lot of dirty stares from the rest of the theater audience.

3. Garfield – Ok, I knew this movie was probably going to be bland. But it had Bill Murray! And I’m a sucker for Garfield – the cartoon from my youth was a lot of fun. So, I got my hopes all built up, saw it, and hated it. When are they going to learn that CGI animals are lame? Never, so long as Scooby Doo keeps making money …

4. I, Robot – A lot of people got bent out of shape over the total perversion of the original source material. But I’m a Stanley Kubrick fan, and I really don’t have a problem with that. I DO have a problem with overly-fabricated, predictable action movies with weak endings and plot holes so large you can fall through them. I think Will Smith gets a bad rap – he knows his niche and sticks to it. He’s just drawn to poor scripts. But I guess part of being a good actor – or any good artist in the film industry -- is making smart decisions, and nobody did that for this film.

5. Troy – With acting as wooden as the famous horse, this film was tough to sit through. I’d hoped after Peter Jackson, studios would have learned that epic films take a lot of time and a lot of love, but this shows that once again the dollar was more important to them. The director failed as well: the most grand and interesting shots were blatantly stolen from Lord of the Rings. The close-ups lacked the shocking intimacy of those in Braveheart. This film should have been as astonishing as either of the aforementioned predecessors. But it fell far short, despite it’s length. While Alexander may one day bump Troy from my list of worst movies of 2004, let it stand now as testament to hack epics everywhere.

6. Home On The Range – Generally, I hate critics that take children’s movies too seriously. I used to believe that you couldn’t hold an animated movie to the same standards as a regular movie. Animated films are bound to go for cheap laughs, have a simple plots and fall short of Oscar-caliber acting. Only, Pixar is blurring the line. The Incredibles was genius, and could be enjoyed by both children AND adults. Of course, it also earned a PG-rating – just out of the reach of really young children. But, I doubt it traumatized any tiny tots who actually saw it. And in the year of both The Incredibles and Shrek 2, Home on the Range falls far short of decent film. Following quickly on the heels of Brother Bear, this movie was even worse; at least Brother Bear had those two hilarious moosesesus. I should point out that not all animation has to come from a computer. I challenge anyone to argue that The Lion King or Aladdin aren’t classic animated films. Disney is simply slacking. This film was poorly constructed and poorly executed. If Pixar leaves Disney, then the animated film world that Disney once ruled will probably be out of reach forever.

7. Envy – Jack Black. Those two magic words are enough to put my butt in a movie seat. And this one even had Ben Stiller. And yet it failed on every level. The story was bad, the dialogue was bad, the directing was atrocious – all things that a really hilarious comedy can overcome (think Super Troopers). But, in addition to all of these failures, it wasn’t funny either. No matter. I still heart Jack Black, and Kong will rule all.

8. Dawn of the Dead – Shame on you, Zack Snyder. George Romero’s original Dawn of the Dead was fresh, inspired and socially conscious. It’s one of my favorite movies, and arguably the best zombie movies ever made. And look what you did to it. You stole all the classic parts, combined them with the 28 Days Later “Speed Racer” zombies and the gun dude from Tremors and regurgitated this worthless remake. The characters are flat, and their actions make no sense. The sex was beyond gratuitous, and that baby scene was just WRONG. This wasn’t an homage. This was a callous and egotistical attempt to top the original. When the zombie revolution comes, I hope you’re the first one bitten.

9. Stepford Wives – Like a zombie attack, the lousy remakes this year just kept right on a’ comin’. To be honest, I wanted to like this movie. And there were many parts of the movie that I DID like. I liked Bette Midler, I liked Christopher Walken and I always like Nicole Kidman. And Roger Bart was phenomenal (“OOH! I feel like Nancy Drew in the mystery of the mid-life crisis!”) – keep an eye out for him in the future. The script was genuinely funny. It was also, sadly, full of more plot holes than even I, Robot. And the editing only worsened the issue. The ending changed drastically, from a weak but tolerable ending to a confusing mash of nonsense. Frank Oz is notorious for supporting the test screening process, and he overhauls his movies in the editing room after each showing. This is a lack of confidence in the product, and frankly, this has stained many of his films by weakening their endings. Referring back to my introduction, this may not be one of the worst films of the year cinematically, but it was an appalling disappointment.

10. Ocean’s Twelve – To be fair, if I’d seen all the horrible movies I skipped this year, this probably wouldn’t be on the list. However, it definitely falls under the “movie that had everything going for it so why did it suck?” category. The first Ocean’s Twelve was a terrific movie, and the sequel managed to reunite the director with the entire amazing cast, plus Catherine Zeta-Jones (grrrrrowl!). But it played more like a pat-on-the-back for a job well done the first time around. Lots of flash, virtually no character or story. So this one edges into the bottom slot. Which, on this list, is really the top slot. From a certain point of view.



Ah, but I’m hopelessly optimistic:

Having said 2004 was a bad year for movies, I can name one reason critics should be rejoicing. The top films this year were better than any film in the last few years (with the exception of those delicious Peter Jackson epics). Many of the sequels were better than their originals, and previously renowned artists (Brad Bird, Walter Salles, Charlie Kaufman) proved their already intimidating talents are still growing. Every one of these films was near perfect, and I recommend everyone see them in the near future. There are potentially better movies out there – I haven’t seen The Aviator yet – but I can’t speak to those, so this is my list and I’m sticking to it.



My 10 Favorite Movies of 2004:

1. The Incredibles – Too many title-related puns have been made in response to this movie. But if I had to pick one film in 2004 that was perfect, this is it. Tight script, terrific voice acting, stunning animation – Pixar keeps getting better and better. The Incredibles combines the taught, character-driven script of Monster’s Inc. with the carnival colors of Finding Nemo. Pixar improved on BOTH of these movies under the direction of Brad Bird, a master at inventing animated camera movement. For the first time, Pixar actually created camera-oriented visual jokes. Think about the scene where Mr. Incredible throws his obnoxious boss through the wall. The “camera” zooms out, and we realize the boss has actually been knocked through THREE walls. This is extremely mature animated film-making. Pixar proved once again that it’s possible to make films that everyone can enjoy. Can animated films win Best Picture?

2. Kill Bill, Vol. 2 – Quentin Tarantino is one of my favorite directors of all time. He’s a movie geek living the dream – camera in hand, powered by nerd-knowledge of virtually every movie ever made. While I appreciated the brilliant action in the first movie more, this one still sticks out in my mind as one of my favorite movie experiences this year. My friend said to me, as we left the theater, “I’m so sad it’s over. I want more.” And, in the end, that’s how I gauge what makes a great movie. David Carradine deserves the Oscar for best supporting actor, though he won’t get it. And Michael Parks deserves something for his role as Esteban, but there is only room for five nominations, so the poor man will have to wait his turn.

3. Spiderman 2 – When Roger Ebert said this was the greatest superhero movie ever made, my initial reaction was, “Nuh-uh!” But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I couldn’t think of one I enjoyed more. The original Batman was overrated, and I expect Superman will be overshadowed by Bryan Singer’s new version next year. The first Spiderman was a glorious superhero movie, but Spiderman 2 transcended that label; it is just an all-around good movie. Sam Raimi deserved every dime he made on this flick … and I have high hopes for the final installment.

4. Sideways – I’ve always been a fan of Alexander Payne. Even About Schmidt, which was boring at best, had some really well-designed scenes (and it was FAR better than the book – quite an anomaly). But this movie was about as perfect as the Incredibles. Paul Giamatti blew me away in American Splendor, and I wondered if he could top that. And then came Sideways. He deserves an Oscar nomination, and Virginia Madsen deserves to win Best Supporting Actress for this film. She was perfect in every emotional mindset: casually friendly, flirtatious, angry … like a talented singer nailing every note in the human voice range. Think of this movie as Garden State for adults.

5. Garden State – If bad movies are the result of disappointment, then a good movie should be the result of a wonderful surprise. I really didn’t know anything about the movie before seeing it, and I was in awe from the first five minutes until the very end of the film. This isn’t a perfect film – but it achieved everything a great film should achieve. This movie hit home for me, because it echoes a lot of the thoughts and fears I’ve had over the past year. Congrats to Zach Braff, Peter Sarsgaard and Natalie Portman for pouring so much into a lovely little movie.

6. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – Above all else, I admire good writing. People rarely recognize that good writing alone can make a good film. Mel Brooks says writing is the most enjoyable part of the filmmaking process for him, because it’s the only part where something comes from nothing. In his prime, Woody Allen was notorious for grinding his scripts into perfectly tight creations before doing anything else with his movies. A great script is the entire foundation of the filmmaking process, and Charlie Kaufman has conquered Hollywood as the most unique voice out there. His writing gets better and better, and his ideas never stop being fresh, if demented. He’ll win best original screenplay this year, and he deserves it.

7. The Motorcycle Diaries – Ok, sometimes I really yearn for the golden years of cinema, when every movie took you on a wild ride through virtually every landscape imaginable. Even the comedies, like Bob Hope’s “Road to …” movies were adventures. This movie did just that, and the directing was both confident and superb. I can’t think of a real person that would make a better movie subject than Che. Like all the best movies, this movie also contained the entire palette of emotions, and makes the viewer feel like we could all change the world …

8. Shaun of the Dead – I said before that few things can beat a sweet vampire movie. The same holds true for a zombie movie. And this one was amazing. It was well-written, well-crafted and a clever homage to George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead -- quite the opposite of this year’s remake. Furthermore, I found a lot of the comedies this year disappointing, but this movie was genuinely hilarious. I appreciate a good spin on genre, and romantic passion in the midst of zombie attacks is perfect. Oh, by the way, working in “Zombie Nation” was a class act.

9. Spanglish – James Brooks is brilliant. He’s never done wrong, in my book. Whether it be Broadcast News or The Simpsons, he’s always As Good As It Gets (ha!). Nobody beats him for writing a brilliant comedy, then jamming it full of emotion and meaning. As with all of his films, the writing was perfect, the directing was perfect, the casting (and acting) were spot-on, and the editing was atrocious. There’s no reason this film couldn’t have been 20-30 minutes shorter. But regardless, it was beautiful. A lot of women complain that white, middle-aged men should never tackle on the feminist perspective. But in my opinion, a good writer can transcend his social background and experiences and imagine just about anything. The themes in this movie were mind-boggling; it examined attitudes toward women, minorities, assimilation, children, overweight women … etc. And they were all handled with deft sensitivity. But as broad as Brooks can be, he never ignores the specifics either. One scene in particular was EXACTLY like a moment in my own life – so much so that I could barely speak leaving the theater. When a movie hits that close to your heart, you know it’s brilliant.

10. Ray – I don’t know what happened to Jamie Foxx this year, but he became a star. Collateral, Breaking All The Rules, Redemption … And despite these amazing achievements, his best work was in Ray. Just before shooting, Foxx met Ray Charles at the piano master’s home. Charles took one look at Ray and said, “So you’re going to play me. But can you play LIKE me?” He sat at a piano, and made a very nervous Foxx sit at a piano next to him. Charles started pounding out a blues rhythm, and demanded Foxx follow along. Whenever Foxx made a mistake, Charles would laugh and tell him to work harder. But by the end of the session, Foxx was mimicking every lick Ray Charles laid out. And that’s essentially the story of this movie: Foxx BECAME Ray Charles, and by all accounts, he’s a shoe-in for best actor this year. Kudos to James L. White for not pulling the punches on Ray’s drug habits and infidelities – avoiding the trap of painting a biopic’s subject a pure saint.



Movie I didn’t know what to make of:

Napoleon Dynamite: This movie was so bad, it has to be high art. And, inexplicably, it was HYSTERICAL. It did nothing for me that I usually expect from movies. It didn’t amaze me with worlds of wonder, it didn’t teach me something about myself, it wasn’t aesthetically pleasing or well written or well directed. But hey, sometimes we all just need a trip to the land of Ridiculous.



Top 10 movies I’m looking forward to in 2005 (may they all rock hardcore):

1. King Kong – December 14 -- I don’t think Peter Jackson can go wrong at this point, especially with Jack Black and Naomi Watts attached. Seriously, these are three of my favorite people in the business.

2. Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy – May 6 -- This has potential to suck. But all of the reports surrounding it thus far are positive, and that gives me hope. The books are amazing, and the script they are using is Douglas Adams’s original one, which he fought valiantly to get produced before his death. They best pay him the respect he deserves.

3. War of the Worlds – June 29 -- A return to home for Steven Spielberg. The trailer was so beautiful. Frankly, I think Tom Cruise is great, and I can’t think of a better child actor than Dakota Fanning working at the moment. Should be awesome.

4. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – July 15 -- Ok, Tim Burton’s remake record is worse than anybody’s, even Zack Snyder (remember Planet of the Apes?). But, Big Fish was a beautiful film, and Johnny Depp is my favorite actor at the moment. And the trailer is infinitely disturbing. And while I don’t usually like remakes, let me say this about the original: Gene Wilder was PERFECT. No one can touch that. And Johnny Depp seems to understand, as he’s playing Wonka very differently. That said, Charlie and the grandpa characters from the original were OK, and the rest of the actors just plain sucked. So there’s at least one thing that can be improved. I have high hopes.

5. Elizabethtown – July 29 -- Cameron Crowe is bested only by James Brooks in the “writer/director who makes heartfelt, ironic, smart, raw, personal movies” genre. I don’t really know much about this film, but I’m looking forward to it all the same.

6. The Rum Diary – ?? -- Johnny Depp (again!) was brilliant as Hunter Thompson in Fear and Loathing. Another great Fear and Loathing actor, Benicio Del Toro, is directing Depp in this movie, reprising his role based on my favorite Hunter Thompson book. This book is far more accessible and, for me, far easier to relate to than Fear and Loathing. I really don’t think this movie can fail.

7. Land of the Dead – October 21 -- George Romero adds yet another delicious zombie film to his repertoire. Can’t wait.

8. Melinda and Melinda – March 18 -- What can I say? I’m still a sucker for Woody Allen. And supposedly this script is the best he’s written since Bullets Over Broadway. The idea is perfect Allen material, and who doesn’t love a movie with Will Ferrell?

9. The Corpse Bride – September 23 -- Two Tim Burton / Johnny Depp pairings in one year? Incredible. As was Nightmare Before Christmas, which this movie extends from.

10. Where The Wild Things Are – ?? -- Spike Jonze is notorious for getting the green light, then running projects into the ground. This will be his first real film outing without Charlie Kaufman, and Dave Eggers was bumped as screenwriter for the project. But I loved the books, so I’m curious. Also, at the moment, a Spike Jonze / Charlie Kaufman project is planned for this year, and is rumored to be a horror film. If any of that holds up, that will probably shoot to number one on my “gotta see” list.

Ok. Whew. That was long. Hope it wasn’t painful to read.

Peace and love,

Nas-T